Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
