I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
