It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
