remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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