why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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