Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
