I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
why is half of my head shaved?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
