She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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