I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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