you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
