im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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