Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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