Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
