While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
