hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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