We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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