I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
