no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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