Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
