The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
3 2 1 whiskey
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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