Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
