dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
