They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
