i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
