apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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