I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
