I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
