I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
where are my pants?
in the oven.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
