My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
