You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
