My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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