I need to stop coming to work sober
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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