I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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