There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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