first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
