Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
