The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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