...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My breasts were aching with rage.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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