She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
a search helicopter?!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
