you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
