I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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