I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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