I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
