I can text with my tongue
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
