If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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