we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
