It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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