Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
