This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
