Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
