The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
